At Night.
"Nicest.
Cutest.
Happiest.
Most sincere."
Hannah laughed and patted her girl friends.
"No, c'mon girls. Honestly, stop!" Hannah laughed as her friends kept going on with a list of characteristics that they believed Hannah was. "You guys are so, SO nice! Thanks."
Hannah hugged her friends as they left the party. As the last girl left and the front door sounded as it was shut, Hannah sighed at the beautiful day she just had.
She walked up her creaky, wooden steps and entered her bright pink room.
A tear drop fell.
~*~
The birds chirped as Hannah opened her eyes to the bright sunlight. She noticed that her phone was practically dying from so many texts and smiled as she read them.
"Oh my god, Sarah you're so-- Ahh!!!" Hannah giggled as she read Sarah's cheesy yet meaningful text to her.
[Hey Hannah! It's Sarah. I'm so SOOO sorry I couldn't make it yesterday for your party! Anyways, happy half-birthday! I wish I celebrated half-birthdays. Oh my god, that'd be amazing! Wouldn't it? It'd be like. DOUBLE THE PRESENTS. DOUBLE THE YEARS! Ahaha, I know right? Anyways, we should soo hang out soon!
The sun settled itself in the middle of the sky.
Hannah was sitting by her T.V., relaxing in her couch when someone knocked on the door. Nessie, Hannah's best friend from elementary school, jumped into her house and immediately found her way to the sofa where Hannah was sitting.
"I KNEW IT! You were so being a lazy couch potato!" Nessie shouted as she pointed to the butt-print in the couch.
"Oh, shut up Nessie. I know you do that too!"
Nessie laughed at Hannah's honest response.
"I know, I know. Anyways, can you believe that our year is almost done!? We're almost done with high school! Oh my god. It's May, we're both seniors. We've known each other for like, how long has it been?"
Hannah giggled. "Too long?"
"Yeah, definitely. I'm so sick of you now! Haha, jokes! But yeah, we've known each other for such a long time! Anyways--"
The two girls laughed the day away.
Crickets began to chirp as Hannah began washing the dishes and overheard her parents talking to Nessie.
"I know right? I swear she's getting so old! Well, anyways, really nice meeting you Mr. and Mrs. Nelsons! I really should go, dad getting worried!" Nessie's flip-flops clicked on the wooden floors as she headed for the door.
"What!" shouted Hannah as she ran to the front door with soapy gloves on. "You don't say bye to me?"
Nessie laughed. "But you're soapy!! And I talk to you like every day!"
The girls laughed and Nessie finally left the house with a wet back from hugging Hannah who was equipped with her soapy gloves.
The front door closed, Hannah went upstairs and sat on her bed.
She grabbed a tissue, opened her drawer and stared at the razor inside.
The crickets chirped outside as Hannah shut her eyes and closed her drawer--putting her, unused, tissues away.
"No, I won't." Hannah said as she cried herself to sleep.
~*~
The sunlight disrupted Hannah's nightmare and she woke up with a gasp. The smell of her mother's home-cooked bacon instantly splattered a smile on her face as she quickly got dressed and ran down to breakfast.
Soon, Hannah noticed the day slowly approaching an end.
The sun began setting as she walked through a nearby park. She saw couples smiling and laughing, enjoying the rest of the daylight.
"Excuse me, ma'am?" A police officer said, putting his hand on Hannah's shoulder.
"Oh, yes?"
"You dropped your phone."
Hannah, wide-eyed, saw her precious phone in the hands of the police officer.
"Oh my god," Hannah squealed, "Thank you! My parents would have killed me if I lost it!"
"Heh, yeah it happens a lot. Just be more careful next time, alright?"
The police officer patted Hannah and left. The crickets began chirping. Hannah closed the front door, went upstairs, and locked the door.
She grabbed a tissue.
She opened the drawer.
She saw the razor.
. . .
The crickets chirped as Hannah went to bed.
She threw away the blood-stained tissue in her trash and soon fell asleep, a white-cloth wrapped around her wrist.
~*~
"Hannah?"
A pounding on the door woke her up.
"Oh! Yeah mom?" Hannah said in a dazed voice.
"You locked your door, you never do that! Anyways, Nessie is downstairs waiting for you!"
Hannah jumped up and then noticed the white rag around her wrist. She unrolled it and grimaced at the pain of her skin peeling off with the white rag, and then gasped at the long scar across her wrist.
"Be right there!" Hannah shouted at the door.
"Alright sweetie!"
Hannah went into her closet, grabbed the longest-sleeved shirt she could find, and put it on. She sighed and looked in her mirror. Hannah was smiling.
"Hey Nessie!" Hannah said as she walked downstairs.
"Woah, uhm. . . Okay? Why are you even wearing that at this temperature? It's called 'Summer Atire!'" Nessie said as she stared at Hannah's long, Christmas sweater.
"Oh, just feeling a bit cold. I think I may be a tad sick, but it's alright. Just to be safe, ya know?"
Hannah smiled and said her words cleanly. Nessie stared at Hannah for a moment, and then giggled.
"Fine dummy! Whatever you want. Anyways, can I use your upstairs bathroom? I think your dad is using the one on this floor."
Hannah nodded and sighed, knowing that she was in the clear from Nessie's suspicions.
The sun began setting.
Slowly, yet quickly, it began setting.
The front door closed.
Hannah went upstairs and locked her door.
She sat on her bed and stared at her drawer. After a moment's delay, she opened it and pulled the razor out.
Hannah took off her uncomfortable sweater and examined her scar.
"WHAT THE FUCK?" Nessie's voice shouted from behind her.
The window was open and Hannah stared with a scared expression on her face at Nessie, hiding beside her window on a ladder.
"Nessie? What are you doing here?"
Nessie jumped in her room and grabbed Hannah's hand.
"What is this?" Nessie asked in a serious tone, "What in God's name is this? What've you been doing!?"
The world stopped.
Sunlight shone in Hannah's heart although the crickets still chirped.
Hannah closed her eyes for a split second, and re-opened them.
Perfect tone.
Perfect words.
Perfect acting.
Sunshine.
"I," Hannah said, looking into Nessie's eyes, "I thought this was a fad. I heard Mike and them were doing it, so. . . Are you doing it? I heard someone say that you were--"
"No! What! This isn't a fad! Cutting yourself isn't good! What the heck?"
"Oh my god, they lied to me then!" Hannah's eyes began to water. "I . . . I just wanted to fit in with Mike! You know him, he's always the really cool kid and. . ."
Nessie looked deep into Hannah's eyes. . .
But Hannah hid deeper and deeper in her own eyes as sunshine took over her body.
"Hannah," Nessie whispered. "You can't do this to yourself."
"I know, I'm so sorry. Freaking Mike and his crew, telling me this was normal!"
"It isn't! Look, you need to know--"
As Nessie went on with her speech, Hannah smiled. It was daylight in her soul.
"Alright?" Nessie ended.
"Alright."
A long hug held them together for another minute as Nessie went back down the suspicious ladder beside Hannah's window.
"Also," Hannah asked. "Why were you by my window again?"
"Well," Nessie sighed then continued, "when I went upstairs to go to the bathroom, I couldn't help but notice the. . . tissue right by the door in the trash. I was worried."
"But, it--"
"And I saw the white bloody rag."
"Oh."
". . . Hannah," Nessie started once more. "Call me if anything ever comes up, alright?"
"Alright. Thanks, Nessie." Hannah smiled. "You're a great friend."
The window closed and Hannah saw Nessie get into a car and drive away.
The words: "Help me, Nessie. Please, I need help right now. Will you be there with me as I tell my parents this? I think I really need to see a therapist," never came out of Hannah's mouth.
Hannah wanted to say them, but Sunshine blocked those words.
It was too sunny.
~*~
~*~
~*~
And so, for two more days, sunshine ruled over Hannah's body. Perfect words, perfect acting. It controlled her, yet also stopped her from feeling a true sunshine's golden yet pure touch.
Hannah built herself into machine. A perfect machine. One that smiled, one that was amazing in the daylight. People could look at her and want to become friends--no one was mean to her. And then at night, when everyone had their eyes closed, Hannah opened her eyes. Tears streamed down her face and she was so tired. Hannah would fall asleep, and then awaken again. In the sunlight, Hannah awoke.
Hannah awoke.
Smiled.
And then shut and locked her door.
And then,
Hannah awoke.
The eternal fight between Hannah and Sunshine lasted for only two more days. One the last day, her parents ran in her room and questioned Hannah about the bloody rag they found in the dumpster beside their house. They heard from Nessie about the cutting.
"Mom, I need help. Please, help me. Just hug me. I hardly talk to you and dad anymore, I feel as if we have no more connection. You guys are just, roaming. I've seen the bills, how much longer are you just going to delay telling me that we have to move away? That we need to go to a different house because this house is too expensive now? How much longer? Mike doesn't love me, Nessie has another friend that she goes to as well. She spends most of her night talking to them anyways!"
. .
But Hannah never said those words.
The words that truly came out were an angelic chorus of bright sunlight. A chorus that softened her parent's worries. A chorus that denied her soul of help.
And then she locked her door as the crickets began chirping.
Under her bed, stolen from her father's desk,
Hannah pulled out who she really was.
She loaded the bullet inside the gun.
Looking outside, she saw herself. She saw her soul splattered in the night sky. She heard her words chirping with the crickets. She felt her soul come to life in the night.
Yet, no one else saw, nor heard, nor felt the true Hannah.
All they ever felt was sunshine.
And at that moment,
It wasn't sunshine, was it?
There was no sun.
There was only Hannah--- and her--- and her--- and herself.
bang. . . . .
"Nicest.
Cutest.
Happiest.
Most sincere."
Hannah laughed and patted her girl friends.
"No, c'mon girls. Honestly, stop!" Hannah laughed as her friends kept going on with a list of characteristics that they believed Hannah was. "You guys are so, SO nice! Thanks."
Hannah hugged her friends as they left the party. As the last girl left and the front door sounded as it was shut, Hannah sighed at the beautiful day she just had.
She walked up her creaky, wooden steps and entered her bright pink room.
A tear drop fell.
~*~
The birds chirped as Hannah opened her eyes to the bright sunlight. She noticed that her phone was practically dying from so many texts and smiled as she read them.
"Oh my god, Sarah you're so-- Ahh!!!" Hannah giggled as she read Sarah's cheesy yet meaningful text to her.
[Hey Hannah! It's Sarah. I'm so SOOO sorry I couldn't make it yesterday for your party! Anyways, happy half-birthday! I wish I celebrated half-birthdays. Oh my god, that'd be amazing! Wouldn't it? It'd be like. DOUBLE THE PRESENTS. DOUBLE THE YEARS! Ahaha, I know right? Anyways, we should soo hang out soon!
The sun settled itself in the middle of the sky.
Hannah was sitting by her T.V., relaxing in her couch when someone knocked on the door. Nessie, Hannah's best friend from elementary school, jumped into her house and immediately found her way to the sofa where Hannah was sitting.
"I KNEW IT! You were so being a lazy couch potato!" Nessie shouted as she pointed to the butt-print in the couch.
"Oh, shut up Nessie. I know you do that too!"
Nessie laughed at Hannah's honest response.
"I know, I know. Anyways, can you believe that our year is almost done!? We're almost done with high school! Oh my god. It's May, we're both seniors. We've known each other for like, how long has it been?"
Hannah giggled. "Too long?"
"Yeah, definitely. I'm so sick of you now! Haha, jokes! But yeah, we've known each other for such a long time! Anyways--"
The two girls laughed the day away.
Crickets began to chirp as Hannah began washing the dishes and overheard her parents talking to Nessie.
"I know right? I swear she's getting so old! Well, anyways, really nice meeting you Mr. and Mrs. Nelsons! I really should go, dad getting worried!" Nessie's flip-flops clicked on the wooden floors as she headed for the door.
"What!" shouted Hannah as she ran to the front door with soapy gloves on. "You don't say bye to me?"
Nessie laughed. "But you're soapy!! And I talk to you like every day!"
The girls laughed and Nessie finally left the house with a wet back from hugging Hannah who was equipped with her soapy gloves.
The front door closed, Hannah went upstairs and sat on her bed.
She grabbed a tissue, opened her drawer and stared at the razor inside.
The crickets chirped outside as Hannah shut her eyes and closed her drawer--putting her, unused, tissues away.
"No, I won't." Hannah said as she cried herself to sleep.
~*~
The sunlight disrupted Hannah's nightmare and she woke up with a gasp. The smell of her mother's home-cooked bacon instantly splattered a smile on her face as she quickly got dressed and ran down to breakfast.
Soon, Hannah noticed the day slowly approaching an end.
The sun began setting as she walked through a nearby park. She saw couples smiling and laughing, enjoying the rest of the daylight.
"Excuse me, ma'am?" A police officer said, putting his hand on Hannah's shoulder.
"Oh, yes?"
"You dropped your phone."
Hannah, wide-eyed, saw her precious phone in the hands of the police officer.
"Oh my god," Hannah squealed, "Thank you! My parents would have killed me if I lost it!"
"Heh, yeah it happens a lot. Just be more careful next time, alright?"
The police officer patted Hannah and left. The crickets began chirping. Hannah closed the front door, went upstairs, and locked the door.
She grabbed a tissue.
She opened the drawer.
She saw the razor.
. . .
The crickets chirped as Hannah went to bed.
She threw away the blood-stained tissue in her trash and soon fell asleep, a white-cloth wrapped around her wrist.
~*~
"Hannah?"
A pounding on the door woke her up.
"Oh! Yeah mom?" Hannah said in a dazed voice.
"You locked your door, you never do that! Anyways, Nessie is downstairs waiting for you!"
Hannah jumped up and then noticed the white rag around her wrist. She unrolled it and grimaced at the pain of her skin peeling off with the white rag, and then gasped at the long scar across her wrist.
"Be right there!" Hannah shouted at the door.
"Alright sweetie!"
Hannah went into her closet, grabbed the longest-sleeved shirt she could find, and put it on. She sighed and looked in her mirror. Hannah was smiling.
"Hey Nessie!" Hannah said as she walked downstairs.
"Woah, uhm. . . Okay? Why are you even wearing that at this temperature? It's called 'Summer Atire!'" Nessie said as she stared at Hannah's long, Christmas sweater.
"Oh, just feeling a bit cold. I think I may be a tad sick, but it's alright. Just to be safe, ya know?"
Hannah smiled and said her words cleanly. Nessie stared at Hannah for a moment, and then giggled.
"Fine dummy! Whatever you want. Anyways, can I use your upstairs bathroom? I think your dad is using the one on this floor."
Hannah nodded and sighed, knowing that she was in the clear from Nessie's suspicions.
The sun began setting.
Slowly, yet quickly, it began setting.
The front door closed.
Hannah went upstairs and locked her door.
She sat on her bed and stared at her drawer. After a moment's delay, she opened it and pulled the razor out.
Hannah took off her uncomfortable sweater and examined her scar.
"WHAT THE FUCK?" Nessie's voice shouted from behind her.
The window was open and Hannah stared with a scared expression on her face at Nessie, hiding beside her window on a ladder.
"Nessie? What are you doing here?"
Nessie jumped in her room and grabbed Hannah's hand.
"What is this?" Nessie asked in a serious tone, "What in God's name is this? What've you been doing!?"
The world stopped.
Sunlight shone in Hannah's heart although the crickets still chirped.
Hannah closed her eyes for a split second, and re-opened them.
Perfect tone.
Perfect words.
Perfect acting.
Sunshine.
"I," Hannah said, looking into Nessie's eyes, "I thought this was a fad. I heard Mike and them were doing it, so. . . Are you doing it? I heard someone say that you were--"
"No! What! This isn't a fad! Cutting yourself isn't good! What the heck?"
"Oh my god, they lied to me then!" Hannah's eyes began to water. "I . . . I just wanted to fit in with Mike! You know him, he's always the really cool kid and. . ."
Nessie looked deep into Hannah's eyes. . .
But Hannah hid deeper and deeper in her own eyes as sunshine took over her body.
"Hannah," Nessie whispered. "You can't do this to yourself."
"I know, I'm so sorry. Freaking Mike and his crew, telling me this was normal!"
"It isn't! Look, you need to know--"
As Nessie went on with her speech, Hannah smiled. It was daylight in her soul.
"Alright?" Nessie ended.
"Alright."
A long hug held them together for another minute as Nessie went back down the suspicious ladder beside Hannah's window.
"Also," Hannah asked. "Why were you by my window again?"
"Well," Nessie sighed then continued, "when I went upstairs to go to the bathroom, I couldn't help but notice the. . . tissue right by the door in the trash. I was worried."
"But, it--"
"And I saw the white bloody rag."
"Oh."
". . . Hannah," Nessie started once more. "Call me if anything ever comes up, alright?"
"Alright. Thanks, Nessie." Hannah smiled. "You're a great friend."
The window closed and Hannah saw Nessie get into a car and drive away.
The words: "Help me, Nessie. Please, I need help right now. Will you be there with me as I tell my parents this? I think I really need to see a therapist," never came out of Hannah's mouth.
Hannah wanted to say them, but Sunshine blocked those words.
It was too sunny.
~*~
~*~
~*~
And so, for two more days, sunshine ruled over Hannah's body. Perfect words, perfect acting. It controlled her, yet also stopped her from feeling a true sunshine's golden yet pure touch.
Hannah built herself into machine. A perfect machine. One that smiled, one that was amazing in the daylight. People could look at her and want to become friends--no one was mean to her. And then at night, when everyone had their eyes closed, Hannah opened her eyes. Tears streamed down her face and she was so tired. Hannah would fall asleep, and then awaken again. In the sunlight, Hannah awoke.
Hannah awoke.
Smiled.
And then shut and locked her door.
And then,
Hannah awoke.
The eternal fight between Hannah and Sunshine lasted for only two more days. One the last day, her parents ran in her room and questioned Hannah about the bloody rag they found in the dumpster beside their house. They heard from Nessie about the cutting.
"Mom, I need help. Please, help me. Just hug me. I hardly talk to you and dad anymore, I feel as if we have no more connection. You guys are just, roaming. I've seen the bills, how much longer are you just going to delay telling me that we have to move away? That we need to go to a different house because this house is too expensive now? How much longer? Mike doesn't love me, Nessie has another friend that she goes to as well. She spends most of her night talking to them anyways!"
. .
But Hannah never said those words.
The words that truly came out were an angelic chorus of bright sunlight. A chorus that softened her parent's worries. A chorus that denied her soul of help.
And then she locked her door as the crickets began chirping.
Under her bed, stolen from her father's desk,
Hannah pulled out who she really was.
She loaded the bullet inside the gun.
Looking outside, she saw herself. She saw her soul splattered in the night sky. She heard her words chirping with the crickets. She felt her soul come to life in the night.
Yet, no one else saw, nor heard, nor felt the true Hannah.
All they ever felt was sunshine.
And at that moment,
It wasn't sunshine, was it?
There was no sun.
There was only Hannah--- and her--- and her--- and herself.
bang. . . . .
